Tuesday, July 3, 2012

No one should ever have to move

I've read once, in the Master's thesis of a wise man, that "all beginnings have a scent of arbitrariness about them," and though I forget many things, I haven't forgotten this. I am reminded of it every time I try to write something new and have a hard time knowing where to begin. I suppose a proper place to begin at, for a blog, would be today. 

I just saw the film "Seeking a Friend for the End of the World" tonight. It was a brilliant movie with a brilliant idea- how would people behave if faced with the certain and very quickly nearing extinction of humankind? What kept confusing me during the entire film was why not many people seemed to be freaking out. The only two that seriously freaked out ended up killing themselves, but why was no one alive and terrified? It bothered me. I needed someone to do that so I could relate. Because I imagine that in those circumstances, I would be out of my mind with fear. And I felt like such a shitty person as I watched these characters living so differently than I think I would have. They seemed to have no fear, like I would have. 

Fear has certainly been the most present feeling in my heart over the last few months, and particularly the past couple of weeks. This is one of the main reasons I am hoping to keep this blog (that, and just an easier way of keeping people posted). When I fear the future, I live in the false and extreme reality of it, and I am incapable of thinking through it in any positive way. I am hoping that writing about my fears, the future, and what is actually happening will help to give me clarity and thaw the freeze of fear that I so easily bring myself into. I cannot always bring myself to talk to people when I am overwhelmed by fear, even though I know it almost always helps. So maybe this blog will help. I will begin by writing my fears, and this will also serve, partially, to explain what big changes are going on in my life. 

-I fear missing my family so much when I move to Georgia. It makes me sick to my stomach thinking about them passing by and glancing at my empty room. It makes me so sick to my stomach to imagine what they might feel when they see that. The pain of missing them will be deep, but it's even more painful to think about them missing me. I don't understand why this is. 

-I fear my parents, particularly my dad, declining much in health while I am gone. In fact, I fear he will die in the timeframe of my program. 

-I fear being so lonely living in Athens for most of the week, away from Bree. 

-I fear being terrified at night when I'm alone in Athens. 

-I fear being so stressed that I won't be a good person to be around, and being difficult to get along with. 

-I fear struggling a whole lot financially. 

-I fear having my car breaking down and having no one to call for help and no way to get around if my car needs work for a while. 

-I fear Bree having to ride his bike in the winter and rain and any unpleasant weather. And what if he gets hit by a car? 

-I fear hating the students and professors in my program, and not fitting in with them. 

-I fear not being successful in the program for the reasons listed above and many, many more. 

And now, I must list the things I am excited about, even though I really really don't feel like it. 

-I am excited to take a cross-country road trip. 

-I am excited to have my own apartment (although I like my house here in Phoenix). 

-I am excited to be able to eat healthier and be more intentional with my heath because I will have a place to keep my food. A place with no meat blood and moldy food. 

-I am excited to explore new places in Atlanta, particularly: book stores, forests, restaurants, coffee shops, and anything that I can photograph. 

-I am excited for Bree to start his program and to begin doing the things he has been really looking forward to. 

And all at the same time, I am so painfully terrified and so eager to experience brand new and unknown things that will, I hope, strengthen me and change me from this disgusting, fear-full creature to one full of joy and wonder, even for things that break me. 

I leave Arizona in one week. The home and the bed that I have slept in for 15 years. The living room in which I put up 15 Christmas trees. 

I hope that soon, I can be so fearless and so brave that future blogs will be filled with all things other than me. 

Here are some pictures of how I've been living the last couple of months in Arizona.

Too afraid to jump in the water at West Clear Creek.    

Bree being reckless at West Clear Creek.




Bailing out on parties when I feel too overwhelmed with already missing the people that surround me there. Reading alone  


Taking my nephews and nieces out a lot...bowling, swimming, movies, pottery making, boating, hiking.
Boating on Lake Pleasant with my brothers and nephews in one week, and with my brother and Bree, Ty, and Erin the following week.
My brother Dani and nephews Johnny, Timmy, and Manny at Lake Pleasant.

Floating in Lake Pleasant, pleasantly.

Lake Pleasant.
Headstand at Goldwater Lake.

Goldwater Lake, Prescott AZ.

Enjoying Goldwater Lake, Prescott AZ.

Goldwater Lake
Swimming in AZ's nasty heat.

Celebrating my birthday with my family.

With Big.